


burn me and break me (but don't let me go)

by ariadne_odair



Series: baby, be my downfall [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Miscommunication, Pining, and she'd punch you for that, girl!Bucky, girl!steve - Freeform, it's all peachy, only it's rebecca
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 15:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1693727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariadne_odair/pseuds/ariadne_odair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What are you doing?" a voice asks, and Stevie sniffs, wiping her face on her sleeve. "Hey," the voice says again, and a hand touches her shoulder. Stevie flinches, lashing out, and the girls makes an oof, tumbling backwards.</p><p>Stevie looks up, because she has to, and - oh. It's not one of the bullies. Which, great. Because apparently Stevie is such a loser she only manages to beat up the people who are trying to help her.</p><p> </p><p>Or where they're both girls, and things are simultaneously worse and better for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	burn me and break me (but don't let me go)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know. I'm angsty and procrastinating and people keep messing with me and this is somehow the result?

The first time she sees Bucky, she has glass in her lungs and tears in her eyes.

Not real glass, obviously, but it might as well be. The cruel words and taunts cut like a knife anyhow, have the same deadly precision as a flying dagger, slicing the essential parts and leaving the wound fresh.

It's starts how it always does, with a few girls who think they're better than her, think they're cooler than her, think that because she doesn't dress the same, can't afford the same bag, the same shoes, that they can push her around. 

There is a bit of pushing, actually, and Stevie pushes back, because she can and because she won't go under, but it's not exactly a fair fight. In fact, it's exactly an  _unfair_ fight, hence the current waves of misery that are crashing inside her.

So Stevie's trying not to cry, hunched behind the tree in the park, when a shadow crosses her. She doesn't look up, curling into herself. It's probably more of the girls, come back to see the full effect of their handiwork.

"What are you doing?" a voice asks, and Stevie sniffs, wiping her face on her sleeve. "Hey," the voice says again, and a hand touches her shoulder. Stevie flinches, lashing out, and the girls makes an  _oof,_ tumbling backwards.

Stevie looks up, because she has to, and - oh. It's not one of the bullies. Which, great. Because apparently Stevie is such a loser she only manages to beat up the people who are trying to help her.

"Sorry!" she squeaks, mortified. The girl sits up, brown eyes wide. She's about Stevie's age, around 10, and she has short, brown hair that hangs to her shoulders. She's just the right shade of skinny, cheekbones belaying the tinge of poverty, but not complete destitution. Stevie flinches, waits for the blow, but the girl  _laughs._

Honest to god  _laughs,_ this bubbling sound that makes Stevie's chest loosen, like the sweet flow of air when she takes a breath from her inhaler.

"For someone who looks like a wind would blow them over," the girl says, grinning a white toothed smile, "You're pretty strong. You sure you've not got some serious muscles under there?"

Stevie laughs too, and rolls her sleeves to show the girl the pitiful lack of brawn there. The girls hum under her breath, hand hot around Stevie's arm where she's measuring her biceps.

"I guess there's always room for improvement," Stevie offers, and that's how she becomes best friends with Bucky Barnes.

 

 

 

 

The girl tells Stevie her name is Bucky, because "Rebecca is the stupidest name,  _ever."_

Stevie tells Bucky that her real name is Stephanie, and Bucky shudders appropriately. They sit together on the warm grass, Stevie picking daisy chains and threading them into crowns, while Bucky chats happily. 

"Why were those girls beating you up?" Bucky asks abruptly, and Stevie snaps one of her daisies in half. Bucky takes it gently from her, threading it with ease, then handing it back. 

Stevie worries her bottom lip. "They were calling me ugly," she says finally, and there isn't any emotion attached. A small part of her brain mourns the fact she's already apathetic to the bullying at  _10._ "And scrawny. And laughing at me because I can't afford nice clothes. But mainly because I'm ugly."

"You're not ugly," Bucky says fiercely, and she looks so angry it makes Stevie smile. "I'm serious! Those girls are idiots, they're probably just jealous."

 _Of what_? Stevie wants to asks, but she just shrugs. Bucky eyes her shrewdly, then grabs the flower crown from her hands.

"Hey!" Stevie protests, but Bucky just yanks the crown down over her head. 

"There," Bucky says proudly, adjusting the crown, "They can't call you ugly now. You're a queen."

 

 

 

That night, Stevie tells her dad about making a new friend. Her dad, who's never been the same since her mom died, a military nurse killed in action. That's how they met, her dad is also a nurse, but he's just a normal one. He works at the hospital in town, and sometimes he lets Stevie dress up in his scrubs. Less so since mom died.

"I met a girl today," she tells her dad, and it's painful how much her dad's face lights up. 

"That's good," her dad says, smiling, his whole face lighting up, at a juxtaposition to the dark bags under his eyes. "Do you want to invite her round? I could make mac'n'cheese."

Her dad hasn't made mac'n'cheese since mom died. Stevie swallows. "That would be great, dad," she says, and she means it, because even at 10 her dad's smile is the greatest thing in the world.

 

 

 

Bucky gets asked on her first date in ninth grade, and Stevie has never been so unprepared for anything in her life, including that super hard maths test they were given last week, the one she didn't even attempt to do, instead playing rock-paper-scissors with Sam for the entire hour.

The thing is, it shouldn't be a shock. Even when they were 10, and had dirty knees and stupid haircuts, Bucky has always been the pretty one. The charming one, the one who always got invited to the parties. Parties she would only go to if Stevie had an invite, something Stevie's not sure if she was grateful or thankless for.

They're at school, hanging out by Stevie's locker before class, and Bucky's trying to convince her to let her hair grow out.

"No," Stevie says stubbornly, even though she knows her bob haircut is awful, "I don't want to cut it, just because you're happy to be the next Rapunzel."

Bucky rolls her eyes, which is something she seemed to have inherited from birth. She probably rolled her eyes at the midwife who birthed her. "I think we all know I'm not the doze around in a tower type, Stevie. If you're going to compare me to a Disney princess, please at least pick an inoffensive one."

"Snow White?" Stevie suggests sweetly, then grins at Bucky's murderous expression. "I mean you're just so generous, kind to animals, good at cleaning - "

"Snow White shacks up with seven random men," Bucky says flatly, hands on her hips, "What you trying to suggest, Rogers?"

"You're the one shacking up with dwarves," Stevie retorts, and Bucky opens her mouth to argue when someone calls her name.

It's Clint Barton, who's cute and smiley, and someone Stevie may have a vague sort of crush on. He's one of the boys you would automatically say if asked who you fancied, all blue eyed and sandy hair, killer smile and limbs he hasn't quite grown into yet. 

"Hey, Bucky," Clint says, then, "Hey, Stevie," which is nice, because she normally doesn't get a mention when Bucky is around. "Bucky, I was just wondering if you wanted to go to a movie with me?"

Stevie, who had been having quite charitable thoughts towards Clint, suddenly finds herself with a strong desire to smash his head into the locker. She stares at him, unable to decipher the sudden burning feeling in her stomach, this feeling of dread that reverberates through her bones. She gapes at Clint, then at Bucky, who looks suitably shocked.

"I - " Bucky begins, flustered, then nods. "Sure."

"Really?" Clint says, and he looks so relieved it just makes Stevie feel worse for her homicidal feelings. "I mean, cool. Saturday good for you?"

"Perfect," Bucky says, and Stevie see the old spark returning, Bucky settling back into her skin with new found confidence. "You're paying."

"It's a date," Clint says, grinning at her, before waving at Stevie and heading back the way she came. Stevie counts to three, then she has an armful of excited girl, Bucky squirming in her arms and babbling excitedly.

Stevie nods, and says all the right things, and all she can think is  _why didn't you say no?_

 

 

 

 

Bucky goes on a date with Clint, and Stevie spends the whole night watching  _Legally Blonde_ with her dad, because he is awesome and appreciates Reese Witherspoon. Halfway through the bend and snap, her dad pauses the TV, turning to look at her. 

"Okay, what's wrong?" he asks, because he's her dad and he can always tell. He nudges her with his shoulder gently. "You've been suspiciously quiet, sweetie, which means you're brooding or up to something. You haven't got a puppy in your room, have you?"

"No," Stevie says automatically, "Wait, can we get a puppy?"

"No way, kiddo. Your biology teacher said you couldn't keep some cress alive, you are not having a living, breathing animal. Seriously, what's up? Are people being mean at school?"

"No," Stevie says, even though they are. They always are; it's part of being on the lower rungs of the social ladder. People always have something to say - to your face or otherwise - and it's something you get on with. She pauses, squirming, then blurts, "Bucky went on a date."

"Should I call the cops?" her dad says immediately, and Stevie groans, batting him on the shoulder. "Hey, just checking! There are some very bad people out there, Stevie, I hope you don't talk to strangers on the internet - "

"The only stranger I talk to is you," Stevie says, and ducks when her dad goes to poke her in the side. Her dad sighs, ruffling her hair. She looks like her dad, Stevie thinks. Same blue eyes, dirty blond hair. Sometimes she wished she looked like her mom, but that's usually last on her list when dreams about her mom are involved.

"Honey, you know your time will come," her dad says softly, patting her hand. "You're a lovely girl, I'm sure boys will be lining up to ask you out. You've just got to give it some time. I wouldn't worry about Bucky, she doesn't seem the type to leave her friends behind for some boy."

"She's not," Stevie sighs, "Thanks, dad."

Her dad's face brightens, which only makes her feel worse. Stevie has a sinking feeling that she's somehow missed the point entirely. 

 

 

 

 

When Stevie is putting the ice cream away later that night, there's a soft knock on her door. Stevie frowns; she's in only in her pyjamas. If it's a burglar, she is royally screwed. Then again, a burglar isn't likely to use the door, so she's probably safe.

Bucky is at the door, smudged mascara under her eyelashes, wearing her favourite denim jacket. She slips into Stevie's house easily, throwing herself down into her usual seat. 

"So," Bucky says smugly, giving Stevie her best shit eating grin. "Do you want to hear about the date?"

"No," Stevie says honestly, rolling her eyes, and Bucky lets out a bark of laughter. "I don't want to hear about how Clint's sweaty paw groped you when the lights went down."

"He didn't grope with me, as if I would let him do that," Bucky says, shaking her head, "And I don't think he wanted to. Well, he probably did, but he's a sweetie. He wouldn't."

"Glad that's cleared up," Stevie says, flicking the kettle on, "Did you have a good time?"

Bucky crinkles her nose, and Stevie can count every single freckle on her otherwise flawless skin. "It was nice," she says finally, voice slow.

"Well don't explode from enthusiasm," Stevie teases, and Bucky sticks her tongue out at her, "Any other adjectives you want to add?"

She feels as if she's treading a dangerous line, between pushing too hard and running too far. A part of her wants to know, wants to hear everything that happened, can't resist it even though her heart is pounding like a jack rabbit. The other part of her is trying to bury its head in the hand, pull away so far that nothing can hurt her, that she doesn't feel the cold stabs of jealously while Bucky talks about her date.

But Bucky is her friend, her best friend, and Stevie's not going to ruin this for her. 

"He's sweet," Bucky repeats, accepting the tea Stevie offers her. She blows on it to cool it down, pretty little tendrils of steam rising in the air. "I had a nice time, but I didn't - I don't know. It didn't exactly float my boat."

Stevie stares at her, then cracks up laughing, hands on her knees. Bucky glares at her, kicking her with her feet. "Shut up, little miss a-in-english. Not all of us are literary geniuses, okay. I didn't know how else to put it."

Bucky pokes her until Stevie stops laughing, schooling her face into an appropriately serious expression. "Look, maybe you just need to give it some time. It's only your first date, right? You were probably just really nervous, and next time you'll have got through the awkward stage, and everything will be candy floss and unicorns."

The corners of Bucky's mouth curves up at  _candy floss and unicorns,_ but she doesn't comment. "Thanks, Stevie. That's actually pretty good advice. Wouldn't have thought you'd got it in you."

"Thanks," Stevie says dryly, and Bucky laughs.

So maybe it wasn't a burglar at the door, but Stevie's pretty certain there's some metaphor about stealing and hearts you could find in there. If you were looking. She's not looking. 

 

 

 

 

Bucky breaks up with Clint a few weeks after.

Stevie feels ecstatic, then promptly becomes Clint's best friend to deal with the guilt.

 

 

 

 

 

Bryce Banner kisses Stevie when she is 16, thirsty, and a mess because Bucky has just slipped upstairs with Thor Odinson.

They're at a house party, one hosted by one of the football players. Bucky gets changed at Stevie's house, and she comes out of the bathroom in a grey tank top and denim shorts, and Stevie's brain just rolls over and dies.

"What?" Bucky asks, when Stevie just stares, "Do I have something on my face?"

"No," Stevie says slowly, thankful she has recovered the power of speech, "You look really nice, Bucky. Really - really good."

"What are you wearing?" Bucky asks, hands on her hips, and Stevie wonders what is was like to put  _her_ hands on Bucky's hips, count every rib through the thin material of her t-shirt, stroke the soft skin. 

"Um, just my jeans and shirt," Stevie says bashfully, ducking her head. She's still at that awkward stage of growing up, all gangly limbs and angry skin. Her hair is still dirty blond, but she's grown it out a little. She think she may actually be getting a few curves, but when she looks at Bucky, she can't help but pick at every flaw she has.

"I'll do your mascara for you," Bucky says cheerfully, and Stevie blinks, surprised.

"Er, I'd rather keep both my eyes. I don't look so good in glasses, you see - "

"Shut up, you jerk. Just get in the bathroom, okay? I promise not to spear your eyeball with my eyeliner pencil."

Stevie groans at that mental image, but allows herself to be shepherded into the bathroom. There's part of her that's alerting her brain this is going to be a really bad idea, but then Bucky's pushing her to sit down on the toilet seat, and grabbing her make up bag. 

Stevie sits very, very still. Bucky's right in front of her, close enough she can feel her body heat, smell the spicy perfume she's put on. Stevie feels like every nerve she has is pulled taunt, her chest stilling as Bucky pulls in closer, holding her breath. Every so carefully, Bucky puts one hand on her face, one thumb smoothing under her eyelids.

"Look up," Bucky says, voice husky, and Stevie obeys without thinking. Ever so carefully, Bucky applies the coat of mascara, first to one eye, then the other. She pulls back, frowning, and Stevie can feel the hairs standing up on her arms.

"Well, Stevie," Bucky says slowly, "I'd definitely do you," and the moment snaps, breaks into a thousand pieces as the air rushes back into Stevie's lungs. She shoves Bucky away good-naturedly, bickering like they normally do, and steadily ignoring the way her heart beat takes too long to drop.

But then they get to the party, and Bucky ends up slipping off with a football player, and - 

\- and Stevie doesn't begrudge her any of it. She's always been a firm believer in going against double standards - as long as you're safe, and it's consensual, then you shouldn't judge people for what they do. And it's  _Thor,_ who for all his ego, is actually a gentlemen. And it's  _Bucky,_ who would break the hand of anyone who tried to touch her when she didn't want it.

So if it's not what they're doing, Stevie concludes it must be who's doing it.

Which leaves her truly fucked when she realises she has no feelings for Thor whatsoever.

Which means she must have feelings for Bucky, if you hadn't caught on yet.

So she's standing in the middle of a party, music too loud and crowd too noisy, when she realises  _I'm in love with my best friend._ She expected it to her hit her like a tsunami, a whirling cataclysm of feelings, dragging her under. It's not like that. It's more like a gentle current, cool and refreshing to touch, just emphasising what she already knew. She couldn't drown, not with Bucky, because Bucky's always been there to tread water with right by her.

She's numb, more than anything, so she heads to the kitchen. She slips past the sweating bodies, breathing a sigh of relief when she reaches the kitchen. Bryce Banner is in there. Bryce is nice but quiet; she sits next to Stevie in science and always helps her understand all the equations.

"I didn't think you liked parties," Stevie says awkwardly, and Bryce smiles back, albeit a bit hesitantly. She explains how she tutors Thor, how he invited her tonight and how his brother is a complete nutcase. Bryce's voice is low but soft, and her stories are always dry, and Stevie feels herself slowly begin to smile.

"You looked sad out there," Bryce says quietly after a while, nodding towards the door. "Is it because Bucky went upstairs with Thor?"

Stevie hesitates, before nodding, and Bryce hums quietly. "Something tells me it's not Thor's roughish charms you're missing," Bryce says softly, and Stevie just nods, too tired to lie.

"Do you want to try something?" Bryce asks, and Stevie knows it before Bryce even suggests it. Bryce's eyes are sad too, and Stevie wonders who's claimed her heart, who stole her breath, before leaning in.

Bryce's lips are soft beneath hers, and they taste like mint. She rests her hands against Stevie's chest, and Stevie gently cups her hands, feels the smooth skin of Bryce's hips. It's gentle, almost comforting, like a soft blanket on a cold night, and when they pull apart, they both giggle a bit.

"So, who's stolen your heart, Banner?" Stevie asks, a little breathless, and Bryce gives her a genuine smile.

"Do you talk about broken hearts after kissing all your conquests?"

"Let me find another conquest to kiss, then I'll get back to you."

Bryce laughs, and links her hands with Stevie's. "You should go after your girl."

"You should go after yours," Stevie says, and it's easy to lie in the quiet of the kitchen.

 

 

 

Then Stevie walks in on Bucky with Natasha Romanov in an empty classroom, and her whole world explodes.

Er, and when she says walks in on, she means actually  _on_ her, Bucky straddling Natasha on a chair, with her tongue was stuck down Natasha's throat. Which is something Stevie could have gone her entire life without seeing. Her entire death. Her entire after life, if there actually is one, depending on your religion, and oh jesus she's having a break down. 

She must make a noise or something, because Bucky freezes, pushing Natasha off her. Her hair is hanging around her face, lips plump and split-slick, and Stevie feels  _want_ tug so hard in her gut it makes her dizzy. She thinks Bucky calls her name, but she's already running from the room, down the hall.

But she's never been able to out-run Bucky, probably because she never truly wants to, and Bucky grabs her wrist as she's on the playing field. Stevie has a sudden flash back to the park, and daisy crowns, and feels a bubble of hysteria rise up in her throat.

"Stevie, please," Bucky says, her voice fractured with anxiety, her face screwed up in worry, "I - "

"Do you like girls?" Stevie demands, fists clenched, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Because this too much, this is not  _fair._ This is being allowed the warmth of the fire, only to end up with third degree burns. It's not fair that Bucky  _does_ like girls, for who knows how long, only to find out she doesn't like  _Stevie._ It's being able to have everything, but have nothing at all. 

"I was worried what you'd say," Bucky says in a small voice, looking down at the ground, "People react differently - "

"What?" Stevie asks, reeling back in shock, "Bucky, I'm the last person who'd judge - "

"I know," Bucky snaps, mouth set in a thin line, "But you're also the first person I'm in love with!"

Stevie's heart stops. "What?"

"I know, I know," Bucky babbles, waving her hand, "You're straight as fucking ruler, it's fine, but it hurts I can't have you, so I screwed around with Tasha - though that doesn't suck, because she is pretty hot - but she doesn't compare to you, no-one compares to you, and that's so fucking soppy - "

"Bucky," Stevie croaks, throat dry, "Bucky, I've been in love with you since you made me a fucking flower crown."

Bucky looks as though she's been punched in the stomach. "Well, why didn't say anything!"

"I've always said how I support gay rights - "

"Well, you also support animal rights, and you don't look like a fucking alpaca - "

"Bucky," Stevie says, and she feels something warm spreading through her, lifting her up and warming her chest. "Can you please just come over here so I can kiss you?"

And Bucky does.

**Author's Note:**

> btw in my personal headcanon tasha was bryce's girl 
> 
> commeent if you liked it or leave kudooss or do a happy dance i don't knoww


End file.
